Building relationships with the in-laws

I loved what we got to read this week. One part of what we learned is ways to be more cohesive with in-laws. Here are some quotes I enjoyed:


“One partner may even naively ask the other to “stay just the way you are.” (If this were to happen, the partner making the request would someday be married to a sixty year old spouse with the maturity of a twenty year old! Not a pretty picture.) (Poduska, 2000, p. 25)
This made me laugh when I read it. Life is all about change and it drives me crazy when people try and say "that's just the way I am." We are constantly changing and growing due to challenges in our lives and events that shape us in one way or another.


“Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter in law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p. 330)
My in-laws are great in this way. I've always had a great relationship with them and a lot of that is due to the fact that they show love and support. I was definitely raised in a different family than my husband and there are things we've adopted in our family from each of their examples.


“Communication is key to mothers-in-law building good relationships with their daughters-in-law.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p. 331)
One thing my mother-in-law did early on, was take me out shopping and to lunch with just us while my husband was hunting or doing things with his dad. At first I felt awkward because I didn't know what she expected or how to react to certain things. Over time it became a really fun way of getting to know each other on a deeper level. I learned a lot of personal things about her and her about me as we talked and connected deeper.


“Offer advice only when it is sought.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p. 333)
This is one area that I think all parents struggle in. My parents, my husband's parents, and I'm afraid it will be hard for me as well when my kids are grown. It's just such a natural instinct to want to give advice (unsolicited) when you see them doing certain things that could cause them problems. My 18 year old missionary just returned home early (CoVid-19) and I catch myself trying to tell him things to do all the time. I laugh and admit that he's been on his own for the last 6 months and is an adult and he doesn't need me to tell him what to do. It's not easy though. I do appreciate my parent's advice (sometimes) but definitely only when I'm wanting advice.



I have 3 sons and 2 daughters, and I sure hope I can be the type of mother-in-law that follows some of these tips on how to get along and build deep relationships with whoever my kids choose to marry. Allowing my kids to cleave unto their spouses will be such a vital thing to do.

The Spirit Brings us Unity

President Gordon B. Hinckley was the prophet of our church. He and his wife had a great relationship that I've always admired. Sister Hinckley is a spirited woman who I love to read about. In our studies this week I came across an interview with President and Sister Hinckley. I love what they have to say so I'm going to share it.



Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that?

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27). (Who is the Boss. Power Relationship in Families Richard B. Miller, PhD)

I think these two are a beautiful example of how a marriage thrives. They let each other be themselves. They trusted each other and encouraged the other to learn and grow.



In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2002, p. 52).



Our sisters do not wish to be indulged or to be treated condescendingly; they desire to be respected and revered as our sisters and our equals. I mention all these things, my brethren, not because the doctrines or teachings of the Church regarding women are in any doubt, but because in some situations our behavior is of doubtful quality (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK, pp. 317–318).



I love these two quotes. In my marriage I do feel like I walk side by side with my husband. I'm grateful to live in a time where woman are treated as equals. I'm glad we belong to a church where we are taught that woman are equals with men. In the second quote listed it says that we don't wish to be indulged or treated condescendingly. This is so true and I love that this was taught long before out time.



President Eyring discusses that, "When people have the Spirit with them, we can expect harmony." Right now in our world we are dealing with CoVid-19. In one way or another, all of us are affected by it. Whether our kids our out of school, our missionaries are coming home, our jobs are put on hold or changed in some way, all of these changes can lead to uneasy and irritating feelings. I love this thought that President Eyring gave. If we have the Spirit with us, we can expect harmony. I want harmony in my home. So I'm going to take this very seriously and invite the Spirit to be my constant companion during this time of uncertainty. (LDS.org - Ensign Article - That We May Be One)

Emotional and Sexual Intimacy

Fidelity and Sexual Intimacy

This week we've been learning about fidelity and sexual intimacy in marriage. It's been an interesting topic. We've learned that there are boundaries that should be stayed within in marriage and outside of marriage. We've learned some of the pitfalls people fall into with regards to inappropriate relationships outside of marriage that can start innocently enough but can lead us to turn our hearts to a person other than our spouse. We've learned that sexual intimacy within a marriage is a beautiful thing that is meant to deepen our love and closeness with each other. We've also learned that a lot of young people grow up thinking that sex is negative because of the way it's been presented to them over the years.

Quotes and thoughts

In reality, however, sexuality is a beautiful power given to mankind from God. President Kimball has observed: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)

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I love that this lesson helped us see the beauty in sexual intimacy with our spouses. It is a gift given to us to not only be able to be co-creators with God, but to give our whole selves in a very real and vulnerable way to our spouses.

"Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan's favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion." (Goddard 2009, p. 89)

I found this last quote to be disarming. I can see what a subtle tool this is. It's interesting to see how Goddard used the words "goodness" and "compassion" to describe the type of people Satan goes after with this tactic. I've seen it with people I know. Good people who get caught up in seemingly innocent relationships with someone outside of marriage. One friend I know, reached out to a man she knew in high school who was going through a pretty messy divorce. The divorce was between two people who were both from her home town so people were taking sides and there was a lot of ugliness. She wanted him to know he wasn't alone. My friend is married with children. When she told me she'd been talking with him, I immediately saw the red flags. I wasn't alone. There were many of us who were warning her that this wasn't a good idea. She insisted it was completely innocent. Luckily, after a month of her helping him through this, it was her mom that finally got through to her. She was very blunt and warned her very strongly that this was wrong and could lead to roads she wasn't wanting to go down. My friend finally stopped that communication. I have no doubt that had she kept pursuing it, something that started out innocent and with good intentions, could have destroyed her marriage. She is a good and compassionate person. The exact type described in the quote above, that Satan goes after.

"Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come." (Goddard, 2009, p. 96)

Two Great Books

We finished up two great books this week:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard

While these are two different authors who lead two different lives, I was impressed that they both came around to similar messages. Here are a few points that I found in both books that I consider to be helpful to my marriage

The need for self love and to not criticize. Gottman had this to say about it, "The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one's life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself." (Gottman John M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 282)When we love ourselves and forgive ourselves, we are more apt to see the beauty in others and in the world we live in. We are less critical and more grateful. 

Gottman also talked about the need to, "detect and discuss the dreams within the conflict." (pg. 258) Basically what he was saying, is that so often conflict stems because of unfulfilled dreams in each of us.

For instance, a wife harps on a husband because she wants him to help clean more. Her dream is to have an orderly house because that's what makes her feel safe and secure. He, on the other hand, hates feeling like he has no say in his life because that's how his mom treated him when he was growing up. So both of them have a dream of a certain thing and once they express why this is so important to them, they can understand each other better and work towards a better way of handling it even though they may never be entirely changed in the way they believe.

In Goddard's book, he quotes Marvin J. Ashton who says, "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard H. Wallace, pg. 116)

Personal thoughts

One thing I've learned throughout this course is that it's ok to disagree. I think in the past I've been so thoroughly convinced I'm right, that it makes me crazy that I can't convince my husband to see things my way. In these two books we've read, I've really appreciated learning that there are some things that we just have to agree to disagree on and that's ok. My husband and I actually had a long conversation about something we tend to argue about frequently. I was pleasantly surprised that things went a lot smoother simply because I was able to see that it wasn't necessary for him to agree with me. I appreciate learning that so much.

Overcoming Anger

In class this week, we were assigned to read an amazing talk called, “Agency and Anger” by Lynn G. Robbins. In it he gives a lot of counsel regarding managing anger in our lives. He debunks the theory that anger is something we can’t control.

“A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.”

“We hear, ‘I lost my temper.’ Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (Agency and Anger, Robbins Lynn G., pg. 1)

This whole talk gives a lot of thought to the fact that we can overcome the tendency to become angry. We have to first of all, recognize that it’s a choice. I will admit that my first thought when I hear these kinds of statements is to say, well they’ve never had this child to raise. Even as I think this I know that it’s an excuse. Here’s another reason he gives in his talk:

“To those who say, ‘“But I can’t help myself,”’ author William Wilbanks responds: ‘“Nonsense.”’ “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. ‘“We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?”’ (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24). (Agency and Anger, Robbins Lynn G., pg. 2)
So we need to learn a new strategy. For anyone who has studied neuroplasticity of the brain, you will understand that finding a new strategy and changing your behavior truly is possible. Our behaviors go automatically to the path of least resistance. If you’re used to getting angry, that’s the first reaction you’ll have. If you want to change that, you have to consciously choose a new behavior to have and do it over and over again to change the plasticity in your brain to form a new habit. It’s actually pretty cool that we have this ability and it also gives a lot of hope to someone who gets angry too much and wants to change this. With the Lord’s help and practice, we can overcome anger issues. I know for me, I didn’t struggle with a temper until I had three kids. Then I felt out of control and that feeling scared me. I have had to work on my own temper and as simple as it sounds, slowing down my breathing and a lot of self talk are what help.

I’m grateful to know that the Lord wants us to overcome these weaknesses. He wants His children to treat each other with respect and kindness. When we are losing our tempers, all of that goes out the window. I know He is willing and able to help us and teach us a better way. I know He is willing to forgive us and help us start again when we mess up. Overcoming our bad habits is worth fighting for.

file:///home/chronos/u-42c87fb1610076954634ba7f10498b53835fac31/MyFiles/Downloads/faml300_document_agencyAndAnger.pdf

Pride

This week we have learned so much about pride and how it affects our relationships, in particular marriages. I loved a talk given by President Ezra Taft Benson, found here:

churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Quotes from talk

"The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s." (President Ezra Taft Benson)

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (C.S. Lewis)

"Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves." (President Ezra Taft Benson)

"The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3 .) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings." (President Ezra Taft Benson)

"The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10 ; Amos 5:10 .) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9 ; John 6:30–59 .)" President Ezra Taft Benson

"Pride is ugly. It says, 'If you succeed, I am a failure.'” (President Ezra Taft Benson)

Personal examples

As I read this talk, as well as the chapters in our other books, I can see that pride does a lot of damage. I've been married almost 20 years. We've experienced our fair share of ups and downs. Luckily the ups outweigh the downs, but I would say pride has been at the heart of most of the downs. We have 5 kids and are incredibly busy. We are both tired and spent by the evening. It's easy to let our guard down and start to think only of ourselves.

I shared the quotes I highlighted above, last night for family night. Just as I see the affects of pride in marriage, I can see them in our family. I have 2 kids who pretty much bristle when the other is in the room. I've shared with them that they came in the order they did (they are the 3rd and 4th kids) because if they can learn to get along with each other, they can get along with anyone. I see a lot of pride in the two and how they treat each other. Teaching them these things with love is key but very hard to do.

"Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven into your marriage, pg. 72)
I've certainly been guilty of this. I love how all things this week pointed towards turning to God in repentance and for understanding. We've been encouraged to humble ourselves and admit that we don't have all the answers or know the thoughts and intents of our spouse's (or anyone else's) heart. When I look at this, I feel like mastering this would be such a gift to ourselves as well as those around us. We would, in essence, be acting more like our Savior. At that point, love comes naturally and much easier than when we are fighting for control and judging each other poorly.

"Bids" and Faith In God

In the two different texts we read from this week, I learned a lot about faith in Christ and how it leads to closeness in marriage. I also learned about turning toward each other in marriage.

"MISSING A BID"

In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," it talks about "missing a bid." What this means, basically, is that we as spouses, make a plea of some sort for connection. Here is an example from the book:

"Lena says to her husband, Carl, in exasperation, 'It would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?' Carl doesn't hear Lena's bid ('Please clear the table tonight'). Instead, he hears criticism, the first horseman." His response is, "Well, when do you ever fill the gas tank?" (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 91-92)
It then goes on to talk about what would happen if Carl was able to see through the criticism to the bid. If he smiled and agreed to clear the table, "he'd score enormous points and probably earn a sheepish smile from his wife, who might then realize that her harsh start-up was uncalled-for." (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 92)

PERSONAL EXAMPLE

I have been there in my marriage. Getting kids ready for bed is one of my least favorite times of the day. I am not a night person and just want to go to bed myself but we have a three year old who can't do these things by herself yet. The rest of our four kids can get themselves ready but she needs help. I adore when my husband (who knows I hate this part) volunteers to get Indi's teeth brushed, help her go potty and get jammies on. I can't even say how grateful I feel when he does this. He doesn't do it every night and I definitely have had my share of bidding for help in a criticizing way, but it makes all the difference when he does this act of service for me which does make me feel understood, appreciated and connected.

FAITH IN CHRIST

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 62)

LET GO AND LET GOD

Boy this one hit home. Something I've learned over the process of being a mom and just living life in general, is that the more I let go and let God, the easier my life becomes. Yet the letting go is SO HARD! There is a song I love that says, "fighting blindly upstream, just because we can. Never considering the lilies of the field." Basically this is saying that so often we dig in our heals and hold on so tight to control without realizing we don't need to. We are exhausting ourselves for no purpose. It's in the letting go and letting God, that we find peace and rest. I believe this is true in our marriages as well. This isn't to say that we don't need to work at marriage; we all know that's not true. It means we need to trust God that he knows our spouses better than we do, loves them more perfectly too and is working to help them perfect their lives in ways we don't even see.

"At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us. At my best I am the perfect man for Nancy. Nancy at her best is the perfect partner for me. I believe that. In fact I believe that God guides our lives in ways that we almost never discern. Not only does He sustain us from moment to moment by lending us breath, He also guides, rescues, protects, teaches, and blesses constantly." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 64-65)
So overall, I learned this week that when we come to the Lord and place our marriage in his hands, as well as our own personal growth, marriages can flourish. I also learned to be more aware of pride and of Satan's designs to undermine not only the importance of marriage but the beauty of it. He can cause us to forget the beauty of another person by helping us pick them apart. I am grateful for all I am learning and for my own husband. I'm grateful for all the idiosyncrasies we both have that we are continually learning to not only put up with, but love.
Edited by Emily Christensen on Feb 21 at 9:06am