This week we have learned so much about pride and how it affects our relationships, in particular marriages. I loved a talk given by President Ezra Taft Benson, found here:
churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng
Quotes from talk
"The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s." (President Ezra Taft Benson)
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (C.S. Lewis)
"Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves." (President Ezra Taft Benson)
"The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3 .) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings." (President Ezra Taft Benson)
"The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10 ; Amos 5:10 .) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9 ; John 6:30–59 .)" President Ezra Taft Benson
"Pride is ugly. It says, 'If you succeed, I am a failure.'” (President Ezra Taft Benson)
Personal examples
As I read this talk, as well as the chapters in our other books, I can see that pride does a lot of damage. I've been married almost 20 years. We've experienced our fair share of ups and downs. Luckily the ups outweigh the downs, but I would say pride has been at the heart of most of the downs. We have 5 kids and are incredibly busy. We are both tired and spent by the evening. It's easy to let our guard down and start to think only of ourselves.
I shared the quotes I highlighted above, last night for family night. Just as I see the affects of pride in marriage, I can see them in our family. I have 2 kids who pretty much bristle when the other is in the room. I've shared with them that they came in the order they did (they are the 3rd and 4th kids) because if they can learn to get along with each other, they can get along with anyone. I see a lot of pride in the two and how they treat each other. Teaching them these things with love is key but very hard to do.
"Pride also includes the fact that we honestly believe that we understand our partners and what makes them tick. We presume to understand their thoughts, motives and intent better than even they themselves do." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven into your marriage, pg. 72)
I've certainly been guilty of this. I love how all things this week pointed towards turning to God in repentance and for understanding. We've been encouraged to humble ourselves and admit that we don't have all the answers or know the thoughts and intents of our spouse's (or anyone else's) heart. When I look at this, I feel like mastering this would be such a gift to ourselves as well as those around us. We would, in essence, be acting more like our Savior. At that point, love comes naturally and much easier than when we are fighting for control and judging each other poorly.
Friday, February 28, 2020
Friday, February 21, 2020
"Bids" and Faith In God
In the two different texts we read from this week, I learned a lot about faith in Christ and how it leads to closeness in marriage. I also learned about turning toward each other in marriage.
In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," it talks about "missing a bid." What this means, basically, is that we as spouses, make a plea of some sort for connection. Here is an example from the book:
"Lena says to her husband, Carl, in exasperation, 'It would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?' Carl doesn't hear Lena's bid ('Please clear the table tonight'). Instead, he hears criticism, the first horseman." His response is, "Well, when do you ever fill the gas tank?" (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 91-92)
It then goes on to talk about what would happen if Carl was able to see through the criticism to the bid. If he smiled and agreed to clear the table, "he'd score enormous points and probably earn a sheepish smile from his wife, who might then realize that her harsh start-up was uncalled-for." (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 92)
I have been there in my marriage. Getting kids ready for bed is one of my least favorite times of the day. I am not a night person and just want to go to bed myself but we have a three year old who can't do these things by herself yet. The rest of our four kids can get themselves ready but she needs help. I adore when my husband (who knows I hate this part) volunteers to get Indi's teeth brushed, help her go potty and get jammies on. I can't even say how grateful I feel when he does this. He doesn't do it every night and I definitely have had my share of bidding for help in a criticizing way, but it makes all the difference when he does this act of service for me which does make me feel understood, appreciated and connected.
"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 62)
Boy this one hit home. Something I've learned over the process of being a mom and just living life in general, is that the more I let go and let God, the easier my life becomes. Yet the letting go is SO HARD! There is a song I love that says, "fighting blindly upstream, just because we can. Never considering the lilies of the field." Basically this is saying that so often we dig in our heals and hold on so tight to control without realizing we don't need to. We are exhausting ourselves for no purpose. It's in the letting go and letting God, that we find peace and rest. I believe this is true in our marriages as well. This isn't to say that we don't need to work at marriage; we all know that's not true. It means we need to trust God that he knows our spouses better than we do, loves them more perfectly too and is working to help them perfect their lives in ways we don't even see.
"At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us. At my best I am the perfect man for Nancy. Nancy at her best is the perfect partner for me. I believe that. In fact I believe that God guides our lives in ways that we almost never discern. Not only does He sustain us from moment to moment by lending us breath, He also guides, rescues, protects, teaches, and blesses constantly." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 64-65)
So overall, I learned this week that when we come to the Lord and place our marriage in his hands, as well as our own personal growth, marriages can flourish. I also learned to be more aware of pride and of Satan's designs to undermine not only the importance of marriage but the beauty of it. He can cause us to forget the beauty of another person by helping us pick them apart. I am grateful for all I am learning and for my own husband. I'm grateful for all the idiosyncrasies we both have that we are continually learning to not only put up with, but love.
Edited by Emily Christensen on Feb 21 at 9:06am
"MISSING A BID"
In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," it talks about "missing a bid." What this means, basically, is that we as spouses, make a plea of some sort for connection. Here is an example from the book:
"Lena says to her husband, Carl, in exasperation, 'It would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?' Carl doesn't hear Lena's bid ('Please clear the table tonight'). Instead, he hears criticism, the first horseman." His response is, "Well, when do you ever fill the gas tank?" (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 91-92)
It then goes on to talk about what would happen if Carl was able to see through the criticism to the bid. If he smiled and agreed to clear the table, "he'd score enormous points and probably earn a sheepish smile from his wife, who might then realize that her harsh start-up was uncalled-for." (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 92)
PERSONAL EXAMPLE
FAITH IN CHRIST
LET GO AND LET GOD
"At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us. At my best I am the perfect man for Nancy. Nancy at her best is the perfect partner for me. I believe that. In fact I believe that God guides our lives in ways that we almost never discern. Not only does He sustain us from moment to moment by lending us breath, He also guides, rescues, protects, teaches, and blesses constantly." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 64-65)
So overall, I learned this week that when we come to the Lord and place our marriage in his hands, as well as our own personal growth, marriages can flourish. I also learned to be more aware of pride and of Satan's designs to undermine not only the importance of marriage but the beauty of it. He can cause us to forget the beauty of another person by helping us pick them apart. I am grateful for all I am learning and for my own husband. I'm grateful for all the idiosyncrasies we both have that we are continually learning to not only put up with, but love.
Edited by Emily Christensen on Feb 21 at 9:06am
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Family Life...
We read a poem this week titled, "Lamentation." It was a poem written by Arta Romney Ballif, about Eve and the feelings she had when she found out Abel was dead and Cain was cursed. As I read this poem, I cried. It brought feelings of sadness and despair as it brought to your heart the crushing news that not only had she lost Abel, but it was by the hand of Cain, her other beloved son. Then the poem brings to your realization that she lost Cain in a completely different way and she'd never get him back. As a mom myself, I worry over my children and pray for them daily. I can only imagine the pain of losing two children in the way Adam and Eve did. Yet family life is reflected in their story. Two brothers, two parents. Family life is messy, challenging and at times very hard. On the other hand it's joyful, rewarding and fulfilling in a way I've never experienced.
In the book, “Covenant Hearts by Bruce C. Hafen”, there was a comment about Adam and Eve having no children. In talking about the fall, he said,
“'No children, no misery' but they’d also have no joy." There really is a deep connection between the hard things of life and the best things of life.” (pg. 65-66)
I will be the first to admit that family life can be hard. A few years ago, my (then) 11 year old son was having a severe struggle with his temperament. He's always struggled with anger and handling life but at this point in time it was a massive daily battle to get him to just be decent to his siblings and to myself and husband. I was so distraught and exhausted from the emotional and mental beating I was taking. I remember after an awful argument with him I finally just left the house and went and sat in the car in order to calm myself. I felt so angry and defeated and broken. I prayed and cried and plead and yelled. I felt angry with God for thinking I could handle this. I remember screaming in my mind that if this is how family life was than family wasn't worth it.
I shared this with my mom the next day. She said to me, "Satan was sure working on your heart wasn't he." I've thought a lot about that since. I do think that is a huge tactic he uses. Like the quote above, "no children, no misery but they'd also have no joy." I've learned so much from this son. I have learned love like I've never know before. I've learned forgiveness and humility. I've learned faith and acceptance of the Lord's will and timing. I've learned to let go and let God. I have four other kids, but it's this guy that has taken me through the fire and back. I can say with surety, that this trial is one of my biggest blessings.
I feel like everyone has these stories in their families. It's what life is all about. Getting through tough times together. Strengthening each other along the way. Helping each other home.
“Learning from hard things is what life is about.” (Hafen Bruce C., Covenant Hearts, pg. 72)
In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard talks a lot about Adam and Eve's choice to be happy amidst the struggles. They were sent out of the garden and into a place that required them to work and struggle. Yet he says it was a blessing for them, not a curse. Through the work and struggle, happiness is found. I know I am happier when I am actively engaged in life. When I grow complacent or lazy, I feel down and negative. Doing good in the world and to other people is where happiness lies.
"Faith is the stubborn resolve to see God blessing us in all circumstances. Even
in our struggles and disappointments, faith requires us to believe God is
ministering to us." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 41)
I choose to believe this. I choose to work on my marriage and family relationships and am grateful for all the things I'm learning in this course and in life.
In the book, “Covenant Hearts by Bruce C. Hafen”, there was a comment about Adam and Eve having no children. In talking about the fall, he said,
“'No children, no misery' but they’d also have no joy." There really is a deep connection between the hard things of life and the best things of life.” (pg. 65-66)
I will be the first to admit that family life can be hard. A few years ago, my (then) 11 year old son was having a severe struggle with his temperament. He's always struggled with anger and handling life but at this point in time it was a massive daily battle to get him to just be decent to his siblings and to myself and husband. I was so distraught and exhausted from the emotional and mental beating I was taking. I remember after an awful argument with him I finally just left the house and went and sat in the car in order to calm myself. I felt so angry and defeated and broken. I prayed and cried and plead and yelled. I felt angry with God for thinking I could handle this. I remember screaming in my mind that if this is how family life was than family wasn't worth it.
I shared this with my mom the next day. She said to me, "Satan was sure working on your heart wasn't he." I've thought a lot about that since. I do think that is a huge tactic he uses. Like the quote above, "no children, no misery but they'd also have no joy." I've learned so much from this son. I have learned love like I've never know before. I've learned forgiveness and humility. I've learned faith and acceptance of the Lord's will and timing. I've learned to let go and let God. I have four other kids, but it's this guy that has taken me through the fire and back. I can say with surety, that this trial is one of my biggest blessings.
I feel like everyone has these stories in their families. It's what life is all about. Getting through tough times together. Strengthening each other along the way. Helping each other home.
“Learning from hard things is what life is about.” (Hafen Bruce C., Covenant Hearts, pg. 72)
In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard talks a lot about Adam and Eve's choice to be happy amidst the struggles. They were sent out of the garden and into a place that required them to work and struggle. Yet he says it was a blessing for them, not a curse. Through the work and struggle, happiness is found. I know I am happier when I am actively engaged in life. When I grow complacent or lazy, I feel down and negative. Doing good in the world and to other people is where happiness lies.
"Faith is the stubborn resolve to see God blessing us in all circumstances. Even
in our struggles and disappointments, faith requires us to believe God is
ministering to us." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 41)
I choose to believe this. I choose to work on my marriage and family relationships and am grateful for all the things I'm learning in this course and in life.
Friday, February 7, 2020
First of all, I'm so excited about the book we're starting to read this week. It's called, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John M. Gottman, PH.D. We've only gotten through the first 3 chapters, but I really like what I've learned so far. In the introduction, he says,
"This book is for you if you're single and looking to "road test" your relationship before making a permanent commitment. It is also for you if you've already committed and want to bolster and protect what you have. If you and your partner are facing dramatic life changes or challenges, The Seven Principles will help you keep connected." (Gottman, John, M. 2015 the Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work, pg. xvii)
In other words, it's for EVERYONE! I'm excited to learn more about creating a deeper friendship with my husband.
Dr. Gottman talks in the book about a happy couple's "secret weapon" which is to use repair attempts. When I read about these, I had to laugh because it's what my husband and I often do when upset with each other. I didn't know it was a thing, but I definitely know we're ok with each other once one of us do it. When we are upset and walk away, one of us at some point will say or text an apology with something humorous involved/attached. I'm always very relieved when we get to this point because I know things have lightened up and we're alright again.
I love the idea that friendship is where it all began and friendship is what we need to keep alive and well. Dr. Gottman says,
"happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." (Gottman, John, M. 2015 the Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work, pg. 21)
I am glad to get the chance to learn more about the seven principles that will help me heighten the friendship with my husband. One of the nicest things he said to me years ago, was that even if we hadn't been dating he would have wanted to be friends with me because I was a cool girl. I don't want to lose that and am glad for the chance to improve our friendship.
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