Two Great Books

We finished up two great books this week:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard

While these are two different authors who lead two different lives, I was impressed that they both came around to similar messages. Here are a few points that I found in both books that I consider to be helpful to my marriage

The need for self love and to not criticize. Gottman had this to say about it, "The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one's life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself." (Gottman John M., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 282)When we love ourselves and forgive ourselves, we are more apt to see the beauty in others and in the world we live in. We are less critical and more grateful. 

Gottman also talked about the need to, "detect and discuss the dreams within the conflict." (pg. 258) Basically what he was saying, is that so often conflict stems because of unfulfilled dreams in each of us.

For instance, a wife harps on a husband because she wants him to help clean more. Her dream is to have an orderly house because that's what makes her feel safe and secure. He, on the other hand, hates feeling like he has no say in his life because that's how his mom treated him when he was growing up. So both of them have a dream of a certain thing and once they express why this is so important to them, they can understand each other better and work towards a better way of handling it even though they may never be entirely changed in the way they believe.

In Goddard's book, he quotes Marvin J. Ashton who says, "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard H. Wallace, pg. 116)

Personal thoughts

One thing I've learned throughout this course is that it's ok to disagree. I think in the past I've been so thoroughly convinced I'm right, that it makes me crazy that I can't convince my husband to see things my way. In these two books we've read, I've really appreciated learning that there are some things that we just have to agree to disagree on and that's ok. My husband and I actually had a long conversation about something we tend to argue about frequently. I was pleasantly surprised that things went a lot smoother simply because I was able to see that it wasn't necessary for him to agree with me. I appreciate learning that so much.