"Bids" and Faith In God

In the two different texts we read from this week, I learned a lot about faith in Christ and how it leads to closeness in marriage. I also learned about turning toward each other in marriage.

"MISSING A BID"

In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," it talks about "missing a bid." What this means, basically, is that we as spouses, make a plea of some sort for connection. Here is an example from the book:

"Lena says to her husband, Carl, in exasperation, 'It would never occur to you to clear the table, would it?' Carl doesn't hear Lena's bid ('Please clear the table tonight'). Instead, he hears criticism, the first horseman." His response is, "Well, when do you ever fill the gas tank?" (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 91-92)
It then goes on to talk about what would happen if Carl was able to see through the criticism to the bid. If he smiled and agreed to clear the table, "he'd score enormous points and probably earn a sheepish smile from his wife, who might then realize that her harsh start-up was uncalled-for." (Gottman John M. the seven principles for Making Marriage Work, pg. 92)

PERSONAL EXAMPLE

I have been there in my marriage. Getting kids ready for bed is one of my least favorite times of the day. I am not a night person and just want to go to bed myself but we have a three year old who can't do these things by herself yet. The rest of our four kids can get themselves ready but she needs help. I adore when my husband (who knows I hate this part) volunteers to get Indi's teeth brushed, help her go potty and get jammies on. I can't even say how grateful I feel when he does this. He doesn't do it every night and I definitely have had my share of bidding for help in a criticizing way, but it makes all the difference when he does this act of service for me which does make me feel understood, appreciated and connected.

FAITH IN CHRIST

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 62)

LET GO AND LET GOD

Boy this one hit home. Something I've learned over the process of being a mom and just living life in general, is that the more I let go and let God, the easier my life becomes. Yet the letting go is SO HARD! There is a song I love that says, "fighting blindly upstream, just because we can. Never considering the lilies of the field." Basically this is saying that so often we dig in our heals and hold on so tight to control without realizing we don't need to. We are exhausting ourselves for no purpose. It's in the letting go and letting God, that we find peace and rest. I believe this is true in our marriages as well. This isn't to say that we don't need to work at marriage; we all know that's not true. It means we need to trust God that he knows our spouses better than we do, loves them more perfectly too and is working to help them perfect their lives in ways we don't even see.

"At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us. At my best I am the perfect man for Nancy. Nancy at her best is the perfect partner for me. I believe that. In fact I believe that God guides our lives in ways that we almost never discern. Not only does He sustain us from moment to moment by lending us breath, He also guides, rescues, protects, teaches, and blesses constantly." (Goddard H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, pg. 64-65)
So overall, I learned this week that when we come to the Lord and place our marriage in his hands, as well as our own personal growth, marriages can flourish. I also learned to be more aware of pride and of Satan's designs to undermine not only the importance of marriage but the beauty of it. He can cause us to forget the beauty of another person by helping us pick them apart. I am grateful for all I am learning and for my own husband. I'm grateful for all the idiosyncrasies we both have that we are continually learning to not only put up with, but love.
Edited by Emily Christensen on Feb 21 at 9:06am